#5 The Good Girl Rules Keep Us Divided

Growing up I was taught - and expected - to be nice.  Nice meant not arguing with others, nice meant keeping my opinions and ideas to myself, nice meant saying I'm sorry even if I'm the one who was hurt.  Being nice meant keeping the peace, biting my tongue, even if - and sometimes especially if - I was right.  Does this sound familiar?  

Have you ever had to 'be the adult' in a situation, even if you were the kid?  I think this notion of 'being the adult' and being 'nice' wasn't meant to teach us manners, it was meant to control us and keep us in check.  

The messages we received around being a 'good girl' and being 'nice', they taught us to not make waves, to not be too much, too loud, too emotional, too us! These messages, we were taught when we were younger, didn't just stop at being taught to behave in school or at church, or in social settings around adults.  These messages stayed with us, far longer than has been helpful or necessary.  

As we enter the boardrooms, auditoriums, and gathering spaces today, we still hear that faint whisper:

"Don't be too loud.  Don't stand-out, and don't cause trouble."

These rules you were taught whether intentionally or subconsciously were never about trying to make you better, they were about keeping you small, quiet, and safe.

As girls we heard things like:

• "Be Nice, be a good girl".  We were praised for being quiet, polite, and agreeable, even when we were hurt or made to feel uncomfortable.
• "Say you're sorry" - even when it's not your fault.  Apologizing became a habit. (I used to kid - maybe I'm 'sorry' so much because I grew up so close to Canada?)
• "Don't be bossy".  When we are assertive we're labeled negatively and discouraged from being direct with others.
• "Don't be so dramatic".  When girls disagree, we're labeled as being 'catty' or causing drama, reinforcing the need for indirect communication.
  

• "Smile" or "Don't be so emotional".  We were taught to manage others' comfort, even at the expense of our own.  (Even as I type this I can feel my haunches rising, my pulse quicken, my breaths short, fast, furious.)

*deep breath in... hold... and exhale* 

Meanwhile the boys in our lives, they were given very different messages.  They were actually encouraged to confront and compete.  They heard things like:

• "It's part of the game".  In team sports culture, boys are encouraged to compete, argue with referees, coaches, and challenge each other openly.  Conflict is part of the game, and no one takes it personally.  (How many times have you heard someone say - "oh, she takes it so personally"?)
• "Man Up" or "Don't be a wimp".  The messages the boys heard were bottle up those emotions, all while encouraging them to be more dominant and assertive. 
• "Go blow off steam".  Boys were often taught that roughhousing, expressing frustration physically is acceptable, and even that it was a healthy way to deal with emotions. 
• "Boys will be boys".  As the adults around us excused boys' aggressive or confrontational behavior, reinforcing the idea that conflict (for boys) is not only normal and natural, it's even expected.
• "Go outside and work it out".  Boys were encouraged to verbally and even physically work out their disagreements.
  

It is no wonder direct confrontation is so uncomfortable for women.  While the boys were taught how (maybe not always in the best ways) they were taught it was acceptable, meanwhile we're expected to suppress these feelings and bend to the whims and needs of others, many times at our own expense. 

When forced to be silent, it makes total sense why the 'middle-school behaviors' continue into adulthood.  Still, to this day, I witness (and if I'm honest sometimes engage in) these behaviors and cringe:

• The subtle exclusions:  The quiet way we express disapproval of someone.  This form of social punishment doesn't require direct confrontation but it sends a very clear message: You're not "in".  Shunning, while funny when Dwight does it on 'The Office' - is not kind. 
• Gossip or whispered conversations:  Instead of addressing someone directly, we find that safe person to discuss it with.  When we were being taught to be nice and say sorry, a third-party was stepping in to hear our frustrations.  Could this be why we search out that safe place/person to 'vent' to, rather than dealing directly with the source?  I wonder...
• Passive-aggressive comments:  We all have that 'friend', quick with the wit of the joke that stings - only to add in a sing-song voice "just kidding".  The sarcastic remarks, the back-handed compliments, these 'jokes', they are the way we've learned to voice these frustrations without being directly rude - but are they kind?  uh... NO. 

When we were growing up, more was expected of us.  We were raised to be peace-keepers.  And so we've learned to expect more from women than we do from men.  We hold each other, and ourselves, to impossible standards.  And when other women don't show up perfectly, meeting those impossible standards of ours, we feel betrayed.

Let's ease up on the expectation of perfection from our sisters.  Whether they're in our family, our workplace, or community, we know the standards they're trying to live up to, let's not add our own to the mix. 

Ladies, it is time we write new rules.  

My challenge to you this week:

Challenge #1: Say The Thing.  This week, notice one moment where you feel the urge to stay silent to "keep the peace", but instead - Say The Thing - Be kind, clear, and direct.  No matter if you're setting a boundary with a friend, or offering a different opinion in a meeting, practice using your voice.  Boldness doesn't give you the right to be harsh, but it does mean you need to be honest. 

Challenge #2: Choose Curiosity Over Judgement.  The next time a woman disappoints you... maybe she didn't show up the way you had hoped, maybe she made a choice you don't understand... PAUSE.  Before you judge and withdraw from her, ask yourself:  What might be going on here that I don't see?  What would compassion look like in this moment?  Then, rather than pulling away, draw closer to her, reach out and extend her grace.  This is how we begin to build those new healthy habits of boldness.  One step at a time, one supportive woman to another.  

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