#6 The Scarcity Lie

A friend recently told me she had a vision.  Something she really wanted to do.  She started doing research, full of energy and ideas, only to discover that someone else was already doing something similar.  And just like that, she stopped.  She didn’t pivot.  She didn’t explore doing it her way, with her unique spin on it.  She just walked away.

Have you ever done that?  Seen another woman doing the thing you dreamed of, and assumed there was no longer space for you?

This is a pretty big example, but ya know, I can think of countless others where women I know have backed away from their goals, their dreams, their voice because they believed:

“When she wins, I lose.”
“If she’s visible, I have to disappear.”
“There’s only room for one of us.”

This belief didn’t come from nowhere. This internal message has been built out of decades of boardrooms with just one woman at the table.  Leadership teams with just that one female voice.  Conference panels with the 'token woman' to check the diversity box (and bonus points if that woman was a woman of color). 

And if we're looking way back, into when we were kids, society hasn't done us any favors.  While boys were socialized to compete, girls were socialized to cooperate.  For Example... (stick with me, sports references coming and I'm not so great at these):

Boys often played competitive, rule-based games like pick-up baseball. Remember when two captains picked teams? They didn’t choose their best friends, they picked based on skill: "Mike’s fast, he’s in the outfield. Joe’s got a strong arm, he’s our pitcher." No hard feelings, just strategy.  (Thanks for sticking with me through that.) 

Girls, on the other hand, were much more likely to engage in relationship-play.  Playing house, playing school, playing librarian (just me?) where inclusion and harmony were prioritized over performance.  And if we HAD to play a pick-up game, we chose our friends, because if we didn't their feelings would be so hurt!  

The difference here isn't biological, it's cultural.  These early lessons in how we play and lead didn’t stay on the playground, they followed us into adulthood and into the workplace.

Even though we never heard someone actually say 'there's only room for one', the unspoken rule taught us we will need to compete for crumbs instead of holding our seat at the table.  And if you just happen to be the 'only woman' it sets off another set of unspoken rules that are near impossible to live up to, like:

• The pressure to represent all women.
• The pressure to achieve, to prove you belong. 
• Fear that you weren't hired for your worth, but to check the 'diversity box'.

When we believe and feed into this lie it harms all of us.  It creates isolation, it shows up as missed opportunities and a fear of collaboration, which further reinforces that women can't lead together.  When we've been taught to be nice, we struggle to make the hard calls, we're forced to choose:  be liked or be effective, as if the two cannot co-exist.  

The table is big enough for all of us, and if it's not, we'll build a new one.  When we believe there is only room for one, we stop advocating for each other, and that's the real loss. 

When you see her rise, don’t doubt your place, own your presence and step forward believing: 

• Her win is proof that more wins are possible.
• Her visibility is contagious, the more women who lead, the more there are to follow.
• We rise faster when we rise together.   

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” - Madeleine Albright

My challenge to you this week:

Challenge #1: Reframe That Thought.  The next time you feel that pang of comparison or the lie of scarcity when another woman succeeds, pause and ask yourself:  “What does her success make possible for me?”  
Write it down.  Say it out loud.  Let it shift your mindset from competition to expansion. 

Challenge #2: Audit Your Inner Circle.  Take inventory of the women you surround yourself with, are they collaborators or competitors?  Make a list of 3 women you want to intentionally support, mentor, or champion this month. Reach out and ask them: “How can I support you right now?” and then follow through. 

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Are you fighting to be seen, heard, and valued? Longing for the confidence to show up and speak up, looking for more 1:1 encouragement or interaction? Let's chat.