#2 The Impossible Double Standard For Women

The double standards really piss me off!

The societal double standard that keeps women searching for that "adultier adult" instead of trusting their own leadership. It looks like this.

When a man takes a bold risk and it doesn't work out they say:

"This was a good learning experience."
"Look at his bold leadership."
"He'll bounce back, even stronger."

But when a woman makes the same move:

"Ooh, that was some poor judgment."
"The emotional decision-making was her downfall."
"Maybe she isn't quite ready for a leadership position."

Worst of all, when she fails, there may not be a second chance. Let's just look at two very well-known (in my life time) examples:

• Robert Downey Jr. (was, and honestly still is an actor I like) somehow managed to make an amazing come back after complete career destruction, addiction, multiple arrests, and unemployment due to inability to get insurance - to become one of the highest paid actors, and Iron Man, a superhero. 
• Monica Lewinsky (who worked in the White House as an intern) was just 22 when the affair began with President Bill Clinton  [side note, I was in my early 20s at the time and the scandal sent a very powerful message to me]. The affair made national news. Surely she was not the first person to get caught up in an affair at work, with a powerful man. Yet her mistakes were plastered on every news media and news stand, the tabloids and late-night TV mocked her and even blamed her for the affair. This attitude about her didn't change by the way, her story is one of overcoming barrier after barrier over something she never truly intended to go public about. To survive she had to completely reinvent herself, and not just once.

The thing is, her story isn't necessarily unique, and neither is Robert Downey Jr's.  I can think of many other men who 'bounced back' reclaiming their fame in the same role, and I can think of just as many women who didn't.

This isn't just a coincidence, it's a pattern. And it's not just the men who turned their backs on Monica. 

Women, in higher positions, in the spotlight, who are leaders, are more visible because (to be honest) there simply are fewer of us. When we succeed our successes get amplified.  And, when we fail... 

Those are amplified too. 

Women hold ourselves, and other women, to impossible perfectionist standards.  Standards that would crush most people.  Men, men aren't held to those same standards, by men, OR women.  Why?!

And when we do succeed...

I was talking with an accomplished athlete about the very first time she 'placed' in her sport.  She got second-place! I asked how she got there, she told me she "got lucky."  And later, her first place finish, again - luck, someone else had a bad day that made a way for her.  

Wait, WHAT?!

Luck?  I don't think so.  Her years of sacrifice, hard work, dedication to her sport, her fitness and skill? Just luck?! Someone else had to fail for her to succeed? (more on this one later too).  

This is the stuff that happens when we have to prove we belong.

When we achieve something incredible, instead of celebrating our success, we regularly move the goalpost.

"That wasn't quite good enough." 
"I really need to do more, be better." 
"Maybe I really did just get lucky."

It is no wonder to me why we say the words "I don't know" so often. We shy from the spotlight, we stay small and silent, we don't rock the boat.  Because when we do, and if we fail - people will notice, a lot of people notice. 

I think when women look for collaboration or validation or even that adultier-adult (whatever you want to call it) before making decisions, it is not because we lack the knowledge or the confidence.

I really think it's because we understand something that men don't: 

Together is how greatness happens.

There is safety in numbers, when it doesn't work out, we have each other, and when it does, we have someone to celebrate with.  We don't want to make decisions in isolation because we know the power of collective wisdom.

We don't defer because we're weak. 

We connect because we're smart.

Maybe it's time to stop apologizing for seeking input and start celebrating it as the leadership strength it actually is.

I want to challenge you with just this one thing this week:  

Think of a time when you succeeded at something - big or small - but you downplayed it, you were 'just' organizing the birthday party or maybe like the athlete in my story, you 'just' got lucky, or that someone else's loss was your gain. 

1.  Re-write that story.  Use "I" language.  Replace "I got lucky" with "I earned this because".  List the actions, qualities, and decisions you brought to the table that led to your success.      

It’s time to take credit for your success, lead with confidence, not apologies.

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