#3 The Survival Strategy That’s Keeping You Stuck

When it's time to make a decision, do you make it and move on?  Or do you run it by at least 2-3 other people before deciding what you've decided is OK to act on?  

Who are your go-to's?  Who get's the last say in your decision-making?  Who are you giving that power?

Last week we highlighted the reason women do this more than men. Because we long for connection, but why?

I did some research, and while I still didn't get to the 'why', I did find information on the 'what & how' that I want to share with you.  (Stick with me - I'm gonna nerd out on a few statistics)  

A study (published in January this year) regarding American emotional well-being, shows gaps between women and men and advice-seeking, specifically when it comes to well-being.  A few things stood out to me:

We know something is off if there are studies being done about this.  Could it be due to the 'feelings of loneliness' that spurned some major mental well-being discussions since the pandemic?

While both men and women were equally likely to have at least one close friend, women communicate much more often with theirs than men do (reach out for emotional support from a friend - women 54%, men only 38%). 

The role of 'the appearance of masculinity' may keep men from seeking advice from others.  

Two-Thirds (or approx 66%) of all Americans asked, said that they believe all-female social groups have a positive impact on Women's emotional well-being, and maybe more compelling - I think - was that 56% of Americans asked were more likely to say that women-only groups have a positive impact on society, vs only 43% would say the same about all-male groups.  For my #Learner friends, if you want to dig deeper into all these stats and some of the others - Read the report yourself. 

And... In another paper I found more statistics about women's confidence in financial matters.  This led down a whole string of other rabbit holes (which I will save you from, today).  Most notably - I came to understand that women, when it comes to financial matters, prioritize their children and supporting their families over building their savings or planning retirement funds.

These last two: all-women groups' positive impact on society and women's' financial priorities tell me something profound.  Women who make decisions together...

They Change The World!   

That approval-seeking behavior that we've been beating ourselves up about for years?

• It's not weakness. 
• It's not insecurity. 
• It's not a character flaw.

It's a learned survival strategy that kept us small, quiet, safe, but it is no longer serving us now. 

Instead of the survival strategy to keep us quiet, let's see it for what it actually is: a longing for connection, to be seen, heard, and valued.  The problem isn't that you want to be understood. The problem is that you've been taught to stay small, stay quiet, avoid the spotlight, and question yourself to get connection.  It's time to change the narrative.

What boldness actually looks like:

• Saying no—and letting "No" be a complete sentence. Why must we always rationalize our 'no'?
• Asking for help without apologizing for needing it. It's how we grow and learn. We need each other. 
• Normalizing your mistakes out loud to others. We are HUMAN, the truth, no one expects perfection. 
• Taking the credit you've earned instead of downplaying it. You are killing it! Your success is not by chance.
• Being kind to yourself in your self-talk. The loudest voice we hear is our own, make it loving!

When you act boldly, your actions line right up with your values. People know where you stand.  When you embrace your imperfections, you model what courage looks like for others and normalize being a human. 

We have had enough outside influence telling us who we are and how to be.  While our mothers, and grandmothers have paved the way for us, we have generations of inequality to overcome, and generations of girls needing us to do our part to help them.  

Let's not feed into the lie that says we need to do it alone, the lie that our actions need explanation, the lie that our success is based on luck, or the lie that if you win, I lose.

Women need other women for support, not competition.

When one woman rises in the ranks, she paves the way for others, she models boldness, she naturally lifts other women.  When we support each other, it's harder for society to isolate us or keep us small and quiet. 

Your desire for connection is not the problem, believing you need to quiet your voice, is.

My challenge to you this week:

Challenge #1: Choose one way to take up more space this coming week—and invite another woman to do it with you.

Challenge #2: Reach out to three women in your life.

• One who inspires you - and tell her why.  Be specific.  Chances are she has never known you feel this way.
• One who might need encouragement - and remind her you've got her back.  Make a plan to check back in.
• One you’ve lost touch with - it's easy to keep putting off reconnecting, tell them you've been thinking of them.

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Are you fighting to be seen, heard, and valued? Longing for the confidence to show up and speak up, looking for more 1:1 encouragement or interaction? Let's chat.